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The Story You Were Given Isn’t the One You Have to Keep
Jul 13, 2026
Every person has two versions of themselves.
This is Part 7 of a 12-Part Series: The Hardest Things in Psychotherapy
Every person who enters a therapist’s office brings two versions of themselves. The first is the historical story assigned to them by family, culture, and trauma. The second is the self that has changed and formed through new life experiences, moments of success and failures, and new relationships that don’t fit the assigned narrative.
One key role of therapy is to help people see that their two selves exist—One that has defined them by their history—the other is who they are now and who they want to become.
This can be tough. The old story often feels like a hard fact. It’s not just:
“I was told I was a problem,” but “I am a problem.”
Early life experiences feels like objective truth rather than a narrative. Therapy’s job is to clarify this distinction.
Where Our Stories Begin
The story we tell ourselves begins with our early attachment to our parents or caretakers. Kids with secure early attachments developed close relationships with attentive, mentalizing parents, who are readily reliable and available to handle a child’s distress. This leads to a view of themselves:
“I am someone dependable, worthy of trust, and others can be trusted when I need help.”
They see themselves positively and can see many others as trustworthy.
In contrast, kids who were raised by avoidant and/or dismissive parents develop insecure attachments. They tell a self-story that they are self-sufficient and have few needs:
“ I don’t really need people; I’m fine on my own.”
Kids with anxious and/or preoccupied parents who were inconsistent and only intermittently available also develop insecurity There self-story is:
“I’m too much, or not good enough, and am afraid I will lose connection with others.”
When attachments are insecure, children struggle to understands relationships and the world. Without reliable attachments they learn, often without words, that their feelings can’t be trusted and that closeness isn’t not safe. They tell a negative story about themselves and the unreliability of others.
Psychotherapy creates a safe space to shift from old, insecure attachments to the new, secure attachment to their therapist.
Psychotherapy provides focused caring, sustained interest and attunement without any retaliation, shame, or humiliation. This can change a negative self-view to one of value and worth. Also, the therapeutic relationship helps the patients see others as reliable, dependable, that they can love, and who can love them. This is how the old story transforms into the new story about who you are now and who you want to become.
Permission To Become Someone New
Some patients are feeling stuck, that they are just not living their true lives. They believe they can’t change from their childhood path. For them, a key message from the therapist is simple:
“You are allowed to change—you can be different from how others see you.”
This isn’t about telling patients how to change. Instead, the therapist shows that the patient’s past and how others define them is an old outdated story. The new story is being built through new lived experiences and relationships and therapy.
When Growth Feels Like Betrayal
The toughest part for some patients is when their assigned story sticks because of love. Families may want you to stay the same because their stability depends on it. For example:
“If you love us, you’ll stay home and provide as you always have.”
If the family sees a new, more independent, authentic, ambitious you, they might feel abandoned or attacked. In this situation, the permission to be oneself can feel like a betrayal to loved ones. A therapist who doesn’t grasp this may offer reassurance that misses the point. It’s better for the therapist to sit with the grief and consequences of a patient becoming someone their original story didn’t foresee.
The key takeaway is that identity isn’t fixed by your history.
Building a new one through new experiences, new relationships, and therapy can be painful but is the real work of psychotherapy. A therapist who supports this process, while acknowledging the challenges, offers something very valuable. Who you are now or wish to become, is still open to change.
Thanks for reading!
Robert E. Feinstein, MD
Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell
Psychiatrist, Psychoanalyst, Educator, and Supervisor Contact: Feinster@RobFeinsteinMD.com
Owner & Founder Empathian LLC ( An Online Mental Health Education Company)
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