Working Successfully with Narcissistic Personality Styles

How to Get Along and When to Get Out

People with narcissistic issues are on a continuum from those with a healthy narcissism, realistic self-regard, to others with problematic personality traits, to those with severe personality disorders. The distinction matters because healthy narcissism is not always a problem or a disorder.

Healthy Narcissism

There are many people who have genuine confidence, based on real talent and success, and have a healthy self-esteem, who can accomplish a lot. They have mutually long-term supportive and caring relationships, are often great people to be around. They can acknowledge mistakes, feel vulnerable, utilizes a healthy dependency. They are frequently strong, durable people, great bosses, mentors, who others may admire. They often have very successful family members and lead very successful teams. They have no difficulty working with smarter more accomplished people, can praise others, encourage others to succeed, and even surpass them.

Loving an Overly Self-Confident Partner

1. Accept Their Need to Lead. Overly self-confident people need to be number one. Appreciate their strengths and enjoy the dynamic life they create rather than fighting this reality.

2. Understand the Love Imbalance. You’ll likely give more selfless love than you receive. They value your loyalty but can’t match your emotional intensity. If you need equality, look elsewhere.

3. Protect Your Self-Worth. Never tie your self-esteem to their attention or understanding. Love yourself independently—especially crucial for children of self-confident parents.

4. Navigate the Push-Pull. They cycle between closeness and distance. When they pull back, they’re preoccupied, not disengaged. Gently remind them you’re still here.

5. Confront Carefully. State feelings without judgment. Despite their bravado, they struggle with criticism. Pair feedback with genuine praise. They may not admit you’re right, but they’ll quietly adjust.

6. Communicate Explicitly. Never assume they’ll sense your needs. State everything clearly—they don’t naturally track others’ emotional landscapes.

7. The Bottom Line. Loving a self-confident person means accepting emotional asymmetry while maintaining your own integrity.

8. Getting Out. Trying to change a partner primary focus on themselves is the most difficult path to take and rarely works. However, if you love this person you should try to test their mailability. Is your feedback be accepted at any level? The more your feedback is well received and backed up with changes in behaviors ( more interest in you and letting you shine) over a 3 to 6 months period (and maybe a willingness for them to seek help) suggests a reasonable chance for a good relationship outcome. Just get out if no changes occur and you can no longer accept the emotional asymmetry.

Working With an Overly Self-Confident Boss

1. Learn Alot. Self-confident bosses got there because they have had a lot of success. They often have an enormous amount to teach. Watch what they say and do. Asks question from the position of someone always wanting to learn but not compete.

2. Always Be Loyal. Don’t criticize or compete. Don’t expect to share the limelight or to take credit. Be content to aspire to the number two position.

3. Don’t expect your self-confident boss to provide direction. Likely he or she will expect you to know what to do, so be sure you are clear about the objectives before you undertake any task.

4. Ask what to do. Be sure you are clear about the objectives before you undertake any task.

5. Don’t take it personally. Don’t expect your Self-Confident boss to be attentive to you as an individual.

6. Self-Confident bosses expect your interest in them. However, they may be swayed by flattery. Trying to offer your point of view, a bit of buttering up may make things smoother.

7. Getting Out. If you enjoy your job and are happy being second in command then stay for as long as it meets your goals. If you are more ambitious and want to lead yourself, take all that you have learned and explore changing to job where you can move up or move laterally with a better boss who can mentor to you further. If you are seen as being disloyal (the cardinal sin for these bosses) your days are probably numbered. Begin exploring new jobs and leave before you are asked to leave.

Managing a Person Who has Fragile Narcissism

1. The Reality. Fragile narcissists appear insecure and self-doubting but still demand constant validation. Unlike boastful narcissists, they play the victim while making everything about their needs. Relationships become one-sided—you provide endless support, receive little back.

2. Set Firm Boundaries. Establish clear limits on what you’ll tolerate. Communicate them consistently. Don’t take responsibility for regulating their emotions—you can’t fix their fragile self-esteem.

3. Manage Expectations. They likely won’t change. Ask: is this relationship worth your wellbeing? If they refuse therapy, don’t expect improvement.

4. Validate Without Enabling. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t reinforce victim narratives or excuse harm. Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating their impact indefinitely.

5. Protect Yourself. Their hypersensitivity and emotional demands will drain you. Prioritize self-care, maintain outside relationships, reconnect with your own needs.

6. Know When to Seek Help. Get professional support if you experience: fear of their reactions, constant blame for their emotions, isolation from others, or having to shrink yourself to keep them stable.

7. The Bottom Line. These relationships don’t resolve easily. You can care without being overwhelmed, but acceptance means recognizing reality and adjusting accordingly—not excusing harmful behavior.

8. Getting Out. The experience of living with a person who is a fragile in this way can be truly exhausting. Mollifying someone who demands constant attention in their victimhood can be an extra full-time job. If you are committed to staying, insisting that this person seek treatment may be worth the efforts as this is often a treatable problem. It may take 1 to 2 years of weekly therapy, with someone experience in treating patient who have personality disorders, to see the slow improvement to an acceptable level. If little or no change occurs, consider getting out.

Managing a Person Who Has Malignant Narcissism

Genuine Danger to Others

There is no real way to successfully manage a person with this personality disorder. What is most important is to recognize this style. Some people are attracted to this person because they may be successful, powerful, rich, and they are sometimes charismatic. You will likely begin to recognize a feeling you are being subjugated to the endless needs and the demands of this person. Increasingly you may feel like you no longer matter or even exist. You will likely experience an escalation towards being intensely devalued, moving towards sadism and cruelty. At the extreme, people with this personality disorder, may try to control your with threats of violence or actual violence. Get out as soon as you recognized these experiences. A person with this personality disorder can be truly dangerous.

Psychiatrically speaking, they are on the very edge of treatability and only occasionally can be help by the most experienced psychotherapists who have worked with some patients with this severe personality disorder.

About the Author

Robert E. Feinstein, MD is a professor of Clinical Psychiatry practicing psychotherapist psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, educator, and lifelong student of what makes therapy work. He divides his time between clinical practice in Stamford, CT, teaching at the Northwell/ Zucker/Hofstra School of Medicine and creating innovative ways to train therapists and strengthen mental health systems. He writes to bring clinical wisdom, human understanding, and practical teaching tools to the next generation of patient and therapists. Website:RobFeinsteinMD.com